A Mother's Dream

So I woke up this morning and had my morning Google Reader fix. I found that Melody at Slurping Life had posted about a Mothers and Daughters Blog Carnival by Sarah of Real Life. I am a mother of daugthers, two gorgeous ones, so I decided to join in. It's extremely personal, though. And that's not like me. So here goes:

We struggled with infertility like gazillions of families today. I considered myself lucky when we had our first daughter. She was born beautiful. And of course I called her "Angel Face". She was not only beautiful but she turned out to be the EASIEST child to raise (OK, after the first few months of very tiring nights.) She never complained and never wandered and never (I mean never) said "No". I thought, "What's all the fuss about. This parenting thing is easy." And still today she is the sweetest child anyone could meet.

Of course we wanted more. At least one more. We stared infertility in the face again, I gave myself the shots, and I grimaced at the megazillions of doctor's appointments, toting my poor daughter along. After 2 1/2 years of wanting, we had our second beautiful girl. Two girls. My dream come true. Or was it?

I loved my first born immensely. Nothing could compare. I looked at her everyday and knew this was me. This was why I was here. Of course every mother says that but I truly felt it in my most inner being. So when we started trying for our second I was a little torn. No, a lot torn. How could I love another child as much as I love my first? And again, every mother says that. But I truly felt it in my most inner being. I wasn't worried that it was working. I thought, "OK, I'll go through the motions but no big deal. Maybe next month." And when next month came and still nothing. Still felt the same. Maybe I don't want another. "This next child can't compare. How could he/she live up to what I already have?" It couldn't.

And then I secretly started hoping for a boy. Ooooh, if I had a boy it would be different. I could love him differently and inherently everything would be different. Different parts, different likes, different ways of loving. Want a boy, want a boy... "Looks like it will be a girl. Congratulations!" Wow... A girl... Yea, thanks... Hmmm.

So I carried her in my womb knowing it was a girl. All these months I tried to imagine what life would be like with her on the sideline. I tried to imagine how she would fare as second best. I tried to imagine myself holding a child that was not my Angel Face. I slapped myself in the face everyday thinking, "How could a MOTHER think such horrible things?"

And then she was born. And all of a sudden, the most fantastic, most incredible, most spiritual thing happened. I did love her. I did LOVE her. And she was beautiful. And she held my hand. And I cried. I brought home my second baby girl and I cried again. How could I have wasted all those months of not loving her? I felt ashamed. I did not feel worthy. I felt the lowest low of any lows. I promised her that I would make it up to her. That all the time that we lost would me made up and it would be as if it didn't happen at all. It was my dream come true after all.

I had always dreamed of having two girls. I grew up with a sister and I have so many fun memories of growing up with her. That's what I always considered perfect. Now being the mother of two girls is my fairy tale. They are both so different and I know that was on purpose. My second is definitely more spicy and adventurous and full of all of the challenges that I didn't get to experience with our first. I think they are both equipped with characteristics to help them face their future challenges as girls. And I think that I am helping them face those challenges with dignity and pride.

Still today I wonder what it would have been like to have had a boy. I really can't imagine it. Sometimes I still don't think I'm worthy of the love my girls give me everyday. But I will always make sure that they know that they are worthy of the love that we give them. And I hope that I can be the mother that they would have dreamed of. I was meant to be the mother of two girls. From my most inner being, I believe it now.

HipMomma