Saturday, August 25, 2007

A Mother's Dream

So I woke up this morning and had my morning Google Reader fix. I found that Melody at Slurping Life had posted about a Mothers and Daughters Blog Carnival by Sarah of Real Life. I am a mother of daugthers, two gorgeous ones, so I decided to join in. It's extremely personal, though. And that's not like me. So here goes:

We struggled with infertility like gazillions of families today. I considered myself lucky when we had our first daughter. She was born beautiful. And of course I called her "Angel Face". She was not only beautiful but she turned out to be the EASIEST child to raise (OK, after the first few months of very tiring nights.) She never complained and never wandered and never (I mean never) said "No". I thought, "What's all the fuss about. This parenting thing is easy." And still today she is the sweetest child anyone could meet.

Of course we wanted more. At least one more. We stared infertility in the face again, I gave myself the shots, and I grimaced at the megazillions of doctor's appointments, toting my poor daughter along. After 2 1/2 years of wanting, we had our second beautiful girl. Two girls. My dream come true. Or was it?

I loved my first born immensely. Nothing could compare. I looked at her everyday and knew this was me. This was why I was here. Of course every mother says that but I truly felt it in my most inner being. So when we started trying for our second I was a little torn. No, a lot torn. How could I love another child as much as I love my first? And again, every mother says that. But I truly felt it in my most inner being. I wasn't worried that it was working. I thought, "OK, I'll go through the motions but no big deal. Maybe next month." And when next month came and still nothing. Still felt the same. Maybe I don't want another. "This next child can't compare. How could he/she live up to what I already have?" It couldn't.

And then I secretly started hoping for a boy. Ooooh, if I had a boy it would be different. I could love him differently and inherently everything would be different. Different parts, different likes, different ways of loving. Want a boy, want a boy... "Looks like it will be a girl. Congratulations!" Wow... A girl... Yea, thanks... Hmmm.

So I carried her in my womb knowing it was a girl. All these months I tried to imagine what life would be like with her on the sideline. I tried to imagine how she would fare as second best. I tried to imagine myself holding a child that was not my Angel Face. I slapped myself in the face everyday thinking, "How could a MOTHER think such horrible things?"

And then she was born. And all of a sudden, the most fantastic, most incredible, most spiritual thing happened. I did love her. I did LOVE her. And she was beautiful. And she held my hand. And I cried. I brought home my second baby girl and I cried again. How could I have wasted all those months of not loving her? I felt ashamed. I did not feel worthy. I felt the lowest low of any lows. I promised her that I would make it up to her. That all the time that we lost would me made up and it would be as if it didn't happen at all. It was my dream come true after all.

I had always dreamed of having two girls. I grew up with a sister and I have so many fun memories of growing up with her. That's what I always considered perfect. Now being the mother of two girls is my fairy tale. They are both so different and I know that was on purpose. My second is definitely more spicy and adventurous and full of all of the challenges that I didn't get to experience with our first. I think they are both equipped with characteristics to help them face their future challenges as girls. And I think that I am helping them face those challenges with dignity and pride.

Still today I wonder what it would have been like to have had a boy. I really can't imagine it. Sometimes I still don't think I'm worthy of the love my girls give me everyday. But I will always make sure that they know that they are worthy of the love that we give them. And I hope that I can be the mother that they would have dreamed of. I was meant to be the mother of two girls. From my most inner being, I believe it now.

HipMomma

20 comments:

Honorary Indian said...

Beautifully written, Melody. It is more personal that I've ever seen or heard you...but it is heartfelt and honest. That's all your girls...or anyone, for that matter...can ask of you.

horizonwaystories said...

wow, that was really beautiful. i struggle with how honest i want to be on my blog - you have set a new standard. you and your girls are blessed.

Mommy's Cherish said...

Hi Melody~
Thanks for sharing your life with "stranger friends" (wondering if that makes sense??) It is so nice to know that sometimes when we have life struggles, we are not the only ones in the world who experiences challenges.

maile said...

melody, that was so beautifully written. I think every mother can identify. I felt the same way with each child, thinking there wasn't possibly enough love in the world or my heart for two...or three for that matter. And then as part of the miracle that they are, you fill up with something unconditional and unique for each one. It's really kind of you to allow us into that experience with you. And it frees the rest of us, who have felt the same way. Thank you for that. And as a sidenote, you are one of the most natural mothers that I know. And I don't mean in the joking way that you always have a snack or kleenex. You are like a rare few women who I've met (my sister is one) who was absolutely MEANT to be a mom. Your love for your girls and gentleness with them is one of the first things I ever noticed about you. They are very, very lucky to have you. And so are we...out here in the wide world of blogland.
I hope we get to hang out soon now that our days will be a little less crazy! :0)

melody is slurping life said...

I got a little chill reading this. Thank you for your open heart...it touched me.

It also reminds me how I longed for a daughter having given birth to one son. We entered the adoption process to adopt A GIRL, our daughter. Three boys later here I am surrounded by testosterone x4 sons.

Funny how God knows best, because I am a boys' mother all the way.:)

And thanks for the link!

SingForHim @ Real Life said...

This is wonderful, Melody. Thanks for sharing such personal feelings. I remember this feeling when I had my second daughter. You can't imagine how your love could multiply so much

SingForHim @ Real Life said...

Also, I've added the link to the carnival. So so so sorry I missed it. (you can delete this one after you get it if you want)

TaunaLen said...

Almost forty years ago, my mom found out she was pregnant with my little sister. I still have the letter she wrote to her mom, asking how in the world there could be room in her heart for another child. Yet there was. I treasure that letter, especially now since I am the mother of daughters and sons. It's the hardest, most amazing job, mothering. I can't imagine going through life without children. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

~TaunaLen

Kathy in WA said...

Thanks for sharing your heart! Isn't a mother's love incredible. I knew my first born was going to be a girl, from the absolute bottom of my heart, with a mother's intuition and certainty. When they told me it was a boy, I was shocked. "But I'm the mother. I KNOW this is a girl. You must be wrong." Ha!

Nope, it was a boy. I was awfully glad I had time to reshift my direction from looking at pink frilly clothes and bows.

My second was a girl. :)

Duckabush Blog

Michelle said...

Melody - What a wonderful and touching story! I went through infertility too and your post brought back so many emotions... Beautifully written. Truly. I have found a new favorite blog : )

Kim said...

Thank you for opening up and sharing this very personal story.

I think many of us have had a similar story. Mine came when the boy we planned to adopt was placed with another family and we were shown other children. After nine months of loving that first child, I had no idea how I would be able to let myslef love another. Now that I have my son I wonder how I ever could have doubted my ability to love him. (even right now while he is trying to pull the computer down by it's cords!)

Nap Time!

Kim @ TheBitterBall

Christina said...

What beautiful, tender words. Thank you for sharing your story.

Liza's Eyeview said...

Yes, there's always love for another one....

thanks for sharing these tender precious thoughts and moments

carrie said...

This is beautiful...when I was pregnant with my second I wondered the same thing A LOT and I convinced myself that it was going to be a boy...I hadn't bought any 'boy' things but I didn't have a girl's name picked out at all so the poor girl went a day or so without a name...
Thanks for sharing!!!

Deb - Mom of 3 Girls said...

Oh how sweet... I always wanted a sister and I feel so blessed that my daughters do have sisters.

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